This is the first one…

Dear Brian,

There are so many things I would like to tell you but I know I can’t.  There are so many things I want to get out of my system, and you are the only person I want to tell them to. You are the only person I feel so close to, the only person I love.  You are the person that I have been the closest too. Even with my family I am lost, even when people tell me that is going to be okay, I know is not.  Not for a few months or years, I don’t want to move on, and I can’t try.  I try to just focus on myself, but I have no energy. I been sleeping….

I try to watch something, but it reminds me of you…. I try to go online, and I want to go check your facebook, which I can’t see anymore.  I know I am hurting my self, but I don’t know why are you running so fast after 6 years?  the only answer i can give myself is that you don’t love me.  You don’t love me at all. I am sorry for that hateful e-mail, I am just so full of rage at times.  I wish I could just be full of rage and not love, because I would be able to do things.  Being mad and hurt is better than being hurt and still in love.  I want you to read these one day and I hope you understand that I loved you more than anything.  More than I love myself.

Alberto.